Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question."
"Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
Glad to be drunk
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
The Vow of Celebracy
The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven where he's met by a reception committee of angels. After a whirlwind tour, The Pope is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.
He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning the languages.
After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original handwritten script.
The angel librarian hears a loud scream, and goes running toward its source only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, shaking and crying.
"The R! They left out the R!"
"What do you mean?" the angel librarian asks.
After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"
He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning the languages.
After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original handwritten script.
The angel librarian hears a loud scream, and goes running toward its source only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, shaking and crying.
"The R! They left out the R!"
"What do you mean?" the angel librarian asks.
After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"
Clinton one-liners
Bill: ``Honey, we won!''
Hillary: ``Honestly?!''
Bill: ``Let's not bring that up...''
Clinton is trying to tell us a no-frills medical care plan. Trouble is, medical care is a frill.
Bill: ``Have you heard my last speech?''
Hillary: ``No, I didn't know it was the last one!''
Want to leave the other country absolutely devasted? Ruined? Unable to function for years?
Well, great, bring the troops home and send over some politicians.
One advantage Clinton has over past presidents is that doesn't have to worry about how much time he should spend on his re-election campaign.
Is Whitewater used to wash the Yellow Streak off of Bill Clinton's draft dodging back?
Oxymoron of the century:
Liberal Mastermind . . .
Whitewater Development
Bill Clinton . . . a good reason not to root for anyone playing Arkansas.
I don't trust President Clinton or her husband.
The Clinton Administration: Stupid is as stupid does.
Democrats seem to think they have a monopoly on protest.
Bill Clinton virus - System makes lots of noise, but nothing happens.
[Post 1994 Election aftermath]
I hear that thousands of rafts overflowing with Democrats are washing up on the shores of Cuba.
"Bill and Hillary have provided the special prosecutor with every shred of evidence they have." -- Al Gore
President Bevis, Vice President Butthead
I thought that happened in November of 1992.
There was a line in George's speech where he said I raised taxes one time and I lived to regret it. Bill Clinton did it 132 times and loved every minute.
"When Bill Clinton blows his taxophone, America will be singing the blues." -- George Bush
Clinton: "I will consult both sides of the issue on Free Trade."
Reporter: "Uh, That would be you Governor Clinton!"
After seeing footage from the new movie "The Lion King," I want to dedicate a movie to Bill Clinton. I'd like to call it "The Lion President."
Hillary: ``Honestly?!''
Bill: ``Let's not bring that up...''
Clinton is trying to tell us a no-frills medical care plan. Trouble is, medical care is a frill.
Bill: ``Have you heard my last speech?''
Hillary: ``No, I didn't know it was the last one!''
Want to leave the other country absolutely devasted? Ruined? Unable to function for years?
Well, great, bring the troops home and send over some politicians.
One advantage Clinton has over past presidents is that doesn't have to worry about how much time he should spend on his re-election campaign.
Is Whitewater used to wash the Yellow Streak off of Bill Clinton's draft dodging back?
Oxymoron of the century:
Liberal Mastermind . . .
Whitewater Development
Bill Clinton . . . a good reason not to root for anyone playing Arkansas.
I don't trust President Clinton or her husband.
The Clinton Administration: Stupid is as stupid does.
Democrats seem to think they have a monopoly on protest.
Bill Clinton virus - System makes lots of noise, but nothing happens.
[Post 1994 Election aftermath]
I hear that thousands of rafts overflowing with Democrats are washing up on the shores of Cuba.
"Bill and Hillary have provided the special prosecutor with every shred of evidence they have." -- Al Gore
President Bevis, Vice President Butthead
I thought that happened in November of 1992.
There was a line in George's speech where he said I raised taxes one time and I lived to regret it. Bill Clinton did it 132 times and loved every minute.
"When Bill Clinton blows his taxophone, America will be singing the blues." -- George Bush
Clinton: "I will consult both sides of the issue on Free Trade."
Reporter: "Uh, That would be you Governor Clinton!"
After seeing footage from the new movie "The Lion King," I want to dedicate a movie to Bill Clinton. I'd like to call it "The Lion President."
Easter Bunny
knock knock
who's there?
easter
easter who?
easter bunny
knock knock
who's there?
another
another who?
another easter bunny
knock knock
who's there?
no more
no more who?
no more easter bunnies, wait till next year!!
who's there?
easter
easter who?
easter bunny
knock knock
who's there?
another
another who?
another easter bunny
knock knock
who's there?
no more
no more who?
no more easter bunnies, wait till next year!!
Billing
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
The Scientist and the Frog
There once was a scientist who studied frogs. One day, the scientist put the frog on the ground and told it to jump. The frog jumped four feet.
So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with four feet, jumps four feet."
So the scientist cut off one of one of the frogs legs. The scientist told the frog to jump. Frog jumped three feet. So the scientist wrote in his note book, "Frog with three feet, jumps three feet."
So the scientist cut of another leg. He told the frog to jump. The frog jumped two feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook "Frog with two feet, jumps two feet."
The scientist cut off one more leg. He told the frog to jump. Frog jumped one foot. So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with one foot, jumps one foot."
So the scientist cut off his last leg.
"He said, "Frog jump. Frog jump. FROG JUMP!"
So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with no feet, goes deaf."
So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with four feet, jumps four feet."
So the scientist cut off one of one of the frogs legs. The scientist told the frog to jump. Frog jumped three feet. So the scientist wrote in his note book, "Frog with three feet, jumps three feet."
So the scientist cut of another leg. He told the frog to jump. The frog jumped two feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook "Frog with two feet, jumps two feet."
The scientist cut off one more leg. He told the frog to jump. Frog jumped one foot. So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with one foot, jumps one foot."
So the scientist cut off his last leg.
"He said, "Frog jump. Frog jump. FROG JUMP!"
So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with no feet, goes deaf."
The Burned Ears
A guy burned both of his ears... so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.
He said, ''I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang... So, instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear...''
''But how the heck did you burn the other ear?'' The doctor asked.
''They called back.''
He said, ''I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang... So, instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear...''
''But how the heck did you burn the other ear?'' The doctor asked.
''They called back.''
Britney Spears and Pepsi
What does Britney Spears and pepsi have in common?
They both come with plastic jugs
They both come with plastic jugs
Good Can of Corn
There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks. After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained.
"Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question
"Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.
"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me!"
"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"
"That's okay," says the husband, "We were banned from the supermarket, too."
"Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question
"Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.
"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me!"
"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"
"That's okay," says the husband, "We were banned from the supermarket, too."
A talking frog
An older gentleman was playing a round of golf. Suddenly his ball sliced and landed in a shallow pond. As he was attempting to retrieve the ball he discovered a frog who, to his great surprise, started to speak! "Kiss me, and I will change into a beautiful princess, and I will be yours for a week." He picked up the frog and placed it in his pocket. As he continued to play golf, the frog repeated its message. "Kiss me, and I will change into a beautiful princess, and I will be yours for a whole month!" The man continued to play his golf game and once again the frog spoke out. "Kiss me,and I will change into a beautiful princess, and I will be yours for a whole year!" Finally, the old man turned to the frog and exclaimed, "At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog!"
Weak in math
Weak in math
Badong - Mayaman na tayo, marami tayong nakulimbat sa bangko.
Bitoy - Magkano ang nahold-up natin?
Badong - Mahina ako sa math, alamin na lang natin sa TV Patrol bukas.
Priestly needs
Damian - Father, bat may nakasampay na mga damit pambabae sa likod ng
kumbento? May chicks kayo noh?
Priest - Hoy, tumigil ka Damian! Sa kuripot nyong mag-abuloy sa
simbahan tumatanggap na ako ng labada ngayon.
Getting even
Jim was on the balcony of his second storey condominium unit when he saw a
man waving at him to come down. Thinking it was an old acquaintance he
sprinted downstairs to meet the man who, it turned out, was a stranger who
was panhandling in the street.
Jim - What did you wave me down for?
Man - Can you spare me some change for a cup of coffee?
Jim - Come with me upstairs.
When the two reached the second storey of the condominium, Jim turned to
the guy and said, "Sorry, I neither have change, nor a cup of coffee."
First timer
Bagong salta sa Manila si Ambo atfirst time na nag-taxi. Pag-upo sa taxi ay
sampung piso agad ang unang patak ng metro. Napatayo siya upang kunin ang
pitaka sa likurang bulsa at tingnan kung may sapat siyang pera. Naging
dalawang piso naman ang sumunod na patak ng metro. Napansin ng driver na
nakatayo pa rin si Ambo.
Driver - Sir, upo muna kayo at malayo pang biyahe natin.
Ambo - E, sampung piso ang patak ng metro pagnakaupo at dalawang piso
lang pagnakatayo. Tatayo na lang ako para makatipid.
Badong - Mayaman na tayo, marami tayong nakulimbat sa bangko.
Bitoy - Magkano ang nahold-up natin?
Badong - Mahina ako sa math, alamin na lang natin sa TV Patrol bukas.
Priestly needs
Damian - Father, bat may nakasampay na mga damit pambabae sa likod ng
kumbento? May chicks kayo noh?
Priest - Hoy, tumigil ka Damian! Sa kuripot nyong mag-abuloy sa
simbahan tumatanggap na ako ng labada ngayon.
Getting even
Jim was on the balcony of his second storey condominium unit when he saw a
man waving at him to come down. Thinking it was an old acquaintance he
sprinted downstairs to meet the man who, it turned out, was a stranger who
was panhandling in the street.
Jim - What did you wave me down for?
Man - Can you spare me some change for a cup of coffee?
Jim - Come with me upstairs.
When the two reached the second storey of the condominium, Jim turned to
the guy and said, "Sorry, I neither have change, nor a cup of coffee."
First timer
Bagong salta sa Manila si Ambo atfirst time na nag-taxi. Pag-upo sa taxi ay
sampung piso agad ang unang patak ng metro. Napatayo siya upang kunin ang
pitaka sa likurang bulsa at tingnan kung may sapat siyang pera. Naging
dalawang piso naman ang sumunod na patak ng metro. Napansin ng driver na
nakatayo pa rin si Ambo.
Driver - Sir, upo muna kayo at malayo pang biyahe natin.
Ambo - E, sampung piso ang patak ng metro pagnakaupo at dalawang piso
lang pagnakatayo. Tatayo na lang ako para makatipid.
Senior citizen
Senior citizen
Isang mag-asawang matanda na ang tinanglang nakawan ng dalawang lalaki na nanloob
sa kanilang bahay. Tinutukan ng patalim ng isa sa dalawa ang matandang lalaki, 80,
habang naghahanap ng mananakaw ang kasama. Nagkunyaring hinimatay ang asawang
babae na saglit na ikinagitla ng dalawa. Agad na tumakbo ang asawang lalaki at
kinuha ang kanyang baril. Nang makita na armado na ang matanda ay agad tumakas
ang dalawa na walang anumang natangay.
Guilty!
The court hearing just started and already the dependant is off to a rough start.
When the prosecutor asked the victim if he could identify his attacker the suspect
quickly raised his hand and proudly proclaimed: "I'm here your honor!"
Deposit slip
Isang lalaki ang nanghold-up ng banko at agad namang nahuli. Ayon sa report,
nagkunwaring customer ang holdaper at nagmatyag muna bago isinagawa ang
panghoholdap. Nakilala ang holdaper dahil sa naiwang deposit slip na kung saan
isinulat niya ang tunay na pangalan at address habang naghihintay ng tiempong
makapagholdap.
Isang mag-asawang matanda na ang tinanglang nakawan ng dalawang lalaki na nanloob
sa kanilang bahay. Tinutukan ng patalim ng isa sa dalawa ang matandang lalaki, 80,
habang naghahanap ng mananakaw ang kasama. Nagkunyaring hinimatay ang asawang
babae na saglit na ikinagitla ng dalawa. Agad na tumakbo ang asawang lalaki at
kinuha ang kanyang baril. Nang makita na armado na ang matanda ay agad tumakas
ang dalawa na walang anumang natangay.
Guilty!
The court hearing just started and already the dependant is off to a rough start.
When the prosecutor asked the victim if he could identify his attacker the suspect
quickly raised his hand and proudly proclaimed: "I'm here your honor!"
Deposit slip
Isang lalaki ang nanghold-up ng banko at agad namang nahuli. Ayon sa report,
nagkunwaring customer ang holdaper at nagmatyag muna bago isinagawa ang
panghoholdap. Nakilala ang holdaper dahil sa naiwang deposit slip na kung saan
isinulat niya ang tunay na pangalan at address habang naghihintay ng tiempong
makapagholdap.
Uder-age
Under-age
Isang holdaper ng liquor store ang agad ding nahuli ng pulis. Ayon sa report, aalis
na sana ang holdaper matapos limasin ang pera sa cash register nang humingi eto ng
isang bote ng brandy na nakadisplay sa counter. Sinabi ng tindera na illegal
magbigay ng alak sa taong wala pang 23 anyos. Ipinakita naman ng lalaki ang kanyang
ID upang patunayan na 25 anyos na siya. Nakilala ng tindera ang holdaper at agad
nagsumbong sa pulis.
Speeding
Nagpull-over si John nang patabihin ng highway patrol. Binigyan siya ng "fix-it"
tiket dahil sa sira ang isang brake light ng kanyang kotse. Paalis na sana si John
nang dumaldal pa: "Whew, sirang brake light lang pala. Akala ko napansin ninyong
lasing ako!" Tuloy, inaresto si John for drunk driving.
Candid shot
Nagshop-lifting ang magbarkadang Andrew at Mike ng mga digital camera sa isang
department store. Nahuli at nakulong ang dalawa. Ang ibidensya? Nang paalis na
sila ay pinaglaruan nila ang display camera at nagkuhanan ng litrato sa pag-aakalang
prop lang ang camera. Nang mag-imbistiga ang mga pulis ay nakita sa digital camera
ang litrato nila na bitbit ang mga ninakaw.
Isang holdaper ng liquor store ang agad ding nahuli ng pulis. Ayon sa report, aalis
na sana ang holdaper matapos limasin ang pera sa cash register nang humingi eto ng
isang bote ng brandy na nakadisplay sa counter. Sinabi ng tindera na illegal
magbigay ng alak sa taong wala pang 23 anyos. Ipinakita naman ng lalaki ang kanyang
ID upang patunayan na 25 anyos na siya. Nakilala ng tindera ang holdaper at agad
nagsumbong sa pulis.
Speeding
Nagpull-over si John nang patabihin ng highway patrol. Binigyan siya ng "fix-it"
tiket dahil sa sira ang isang brake light ng kanyang kotse. Paalis na sana si John
nang dumaldal pa: "Whew, sirang brake light lang pala. Akala ko napansin ninyong
lasing ako!" Tuloy, inaresto si John for drunk driving.
Candid shot
Nagshop-lifting ang magbarkadang Andrew at Mike ng mga digital camera sa isang
department store. Nahuli at nakulong ang dalawa. Ang ibidensya? Nang paalis na
sila ay pinaglaruan nila ang display camera at nagkuhanan ng litrato sa pag-aakalang
prop lang ang camera. Nang mag-imbistiga ang mga pulis ay nakita sa digital camera
ang litrato nila na bitbit ang mga ninakaw.
Bulag, eyewitness sa pagpatay
Bulag, eyewitness sa pagpatay. Nahuli ang suspect sa pagpatay ng isang
businessman nang siya ay itinuro ng isang eye witness sa krimen. Nakilala pa rin
ang suspect maski bulag na ang isang mata ng eye witness.
Plane crash, walang nakaligtas, ayon sa pilot. Napaulat na walang
nakaligtas sa mga sakay ng bumagsak na Cessna plane ayon sa pilot ng Medivac
helicopter na agad sumugod sa pinangyarihan ng accident.
Teller robbed Bank. A savings bank in Pampanga was robbed of undetermined
amount of money by a lone woman hold-up artist. The woman suspect was caught a
few hours later when she was positively identified by witnesses from the red
scarf she was wearing and the crystal ball she was holding at the scene of the
crime. The suspect was masquerading around as a fortune-teller.
Kakulangan ng tubig isinisi sa baha. Maraming tao sa Metro Manila ang
nagkasakit ng diarrea dahil sa pag-inum ng maruming tubig. Nagkarun ng
kakulangan ng malinis na tubig dahil sa mga pagbaha na naging dahilan para
macontaminate ang water supply.
Lalaki binunggo ang bus, naospital. Naospital si Ryan matapos bungguin
ang bus na sasakyan sana. Hinahabol ni Ryan ang bus nang biglang huminto ang
sasakyan dahil may tumawid na babae sa daan. Di napansin ni Ryan ang paghinto ng
bus dahil nakatingin siya sa seksing babaeng tumatawid. Sumalpok si Ryan sa bus.
businessman nang siya ay itinuro ng isang eye witness sa krimen. Nakilala pa rin
ang suspect maski bulag na ang isang mata ng eye witness.
Plane crash, walang nakaligtas, ayon sa pilot. Napaulat na walang
nakaligtas sa mga sakay ng bumagsak na Cessna plane ayon sa pilot ng Medivac
helicopter na agad sumugod sa pinangyarihan ng accident.
Teller robbed Bank. A savings bank in Pampanga was robbed of undetermined
amount of money by a lone woman hold-up artist. The woman suspect was caught a
few hours later when she was positively identified by witnesses from the red
scarf she was wearing and the crystal ball she was holding at the scene of the
crime. The suspect was masquerading around as a fortune-teller.
Kakulangan ng tubig isinisi sa baha. Maraming tao sa Metro Manila ang
nagkasakit ng diarrea dahil sa pag-inum ng maruming tubig. Nagkarun ng
kakulangan ng malinis na tubig dahil sa mga pagbaha na naging dahilan para
macontaminate ang water supply.
Lalaki binunggo ang bus, naospital. Naospital si Ryan matapos bungguin
ang bus na sasakyan sana. Hinahabol ni Ryan ang bus nang biglang huminto ang
sasakyan dahil may tumawid na babae sa daan. Di napansin ni Ryan ang paghinto ng
bus dahil nakatingin siya sa seksing babaeng tumatawid. Sumalpok si Ryan sa bus.
Exams
Exams
Jhen - Wala akong nasagot sa exams natin kanina. Blank ang papel ko.
Mary - Ako rin, blank ang test paper ko, ang hirap kase.
Jhen - Naku, baka isipin ng teacher nagkopyahan tayo!
Past, Present, and Future
Teacher - Fidel, ano ang past tense ng laba?
Fidel - Naglaba, mam.
Teacher - Good. Gloria, ano ang present tense ng laba?
Gloria - Naglalaba, mam.
Teacher - Very good! Joseph, ano ang future tense ng laba?
Joseph - Magsasampay, mam!
Sabi ng teacher
Anak - Inay, meron pong bombay na naghahanap sa inyo.
Inay - Sabihin mo wala ako.
Anak - Inay, masama raw po ang magsinungaling, sabi ng teacher ko.
Inay - Pwes sabihin mo sa teacher na siya ang magbayad ng utang ko!
Jhen - Wala akong nasagot sa exams natin kanina. Blank ang papel ko.
Mary - Ako rin, blank ang test paper ko, ang hirap kase.
Jhen - Naku, baka isipin ng teacher nagkopyahan tayo!
Past, Present, and Future
Teacher - Fidel, ano ang past tense ng laba?
Fidel - Naglaba, mam.
Teacher - Good. Gloria, ano ang present tense ng laba?
Gloria - Naglalaba, mam.
Teacher - Very good! Joseph, ano ang future tense ng laba?
Joseph - Magsasampay, mam!
Sabi ng teacher
Anak - Inay, meron pong bombay na naghahanap sa inyo.
Inay - Sabihin mo wala ako.
Anak - Inay, masama raw po ang magsinungaling, sabi ng teacher ko.
Inay - Pwes sabihin mo sa teacher na siya ang magbayad ng utang ko!
Math problem
Math problem
Jhan - Brad, busy ka ba? Kailangan ko ang tulong mo.
Brad - Di naman. Ano bang kailangan mo?
Jhan - Hindi ko kase masolve ang assignment natin sa math.
Brad - Ha, ikaw na pinakamatalino sa klase, di masolve ang math
Jhan - E, kase....
Brad - Ako, ang pinakabobo sa klase, kailangan mo ang tulong ko?
Jhan - Oo naman.
Brad - O, sige, ano bang problema, tingnan ko....
Jhan - E, kase nabali ang lapis ko, pakitasahan mo naman.
Beautiful
Teacher - Use the word "beautiful" in a sentence?
Student - "My teacher is beautiful, isn't she?"
Teacher - Thank you, it's very flattering. Now, translate it in Tagalog.
Student - "Ang guro ko ay maganda, maganda nga ba?"
Dream on
Teacher - Charlene, bat gusto mong maging movie star?
Charlene - Pangarap kong kumita ng P100,000 bawat buwan, gaya ni Mommy.
Teacher - Wow, ganyan ba kalaki ang kinikita ng mommy mo?
Charlene - Hindi po. Ganyan din kalaki ang pangarap nya!
Jhan - Brad, busy ka ba? Kailangan ko ang tulong mo.
Brad - Di naman. Ano bang kailangan mo?
Jhan - Hindi ko kase masolve ang assignment natin sa math.
Brad - Ha, ikaw na pinakamatalino sa klase, di masolve ang math
Jhan - E, kase....
Brad - Ako, ang pinakabobo sa klase, kailangan mo ang tulong ko?
Jhan - Oo naman.
Brad - O, sige, ano bang problema, tingnan ko....
Jhan - E, kase nabali ang lapis ko, pakitasahan mo naman.
Beautiful
Teacher - Use the word "beautiful" in a sentence?
Student - "My teacher is beautiful, isn't she?"
Teacher - Thank you, it's very flattering. Now, translate it in Tagalog.
Student - "Ang guro ko ay maganda, maganda nga ba?"
Dream on
Teacher - Charlene, bat gusto mong maging movie star?
Charlene - Pangarap kong kumita ng P100,000 bawat buwan, gaya ni Mommy.
Teacher - Wow, ganyan ba kalaki ang kinikita ng mommy mo?
Charlene - Hindi po. Ganyan din kalaki ang pangarap nya!
History lesson
History lesson
Teacher - Who killed Ferdinand Magellan? The name starts with L and L.
Student - Lito Lapid?
Teacher - Wrong! Hint, matapang siya at walang kinatatakutan.
Student - Mam, si Loren Legarda?
Teacher - Wrong pa rin. Hint uli, inuulit kung bigkasin ang pangalan nya.
Student - Naku, si Lot-lot Mam?
History pa rin
Teacher - Renato, kilala mo ba si Jose Rizal?
Renato - Hindi po, Mam.
Teacher - Rowena, kilala mo ba si Jose Rizal?
Rowena - Hindi rin po, Mam.
Teacher - Wala ba sa inyo ang nakakikilala kay Jose Rizal?
Jasmine - Mam, baka sa kabilang section siya...
History at current events
Teacher - Alam nyo na ba kung sino ang pumatay kay Andres Bonifacio?
Student - Mam, nasa TV Patrol na po ba?
French lesson naman
ashes - a vou
ballon - lo vou
car - re vou
cough - u vou
drug - sha vou
goodbye - ba vou
hazy - mala vou
naked - hu vou
pipe - tu vou
cute - a cou (joke lang po ...hehehe)
Mahirap ang Math
Judy - Ang hirap ng math test natin kanina. Nahirapan ako sa mga tanong.
Jhigz - Madali lang ang mga tanong. Dun ako nahirapan sa mga sagot.
At sa science class naman
The teacher was showing the ill effects of alcohol. She dropped a worm
in a glass filled with alcohol and the worm died instantly.
Teacher - What did you learn from this demo?
Student - If we drink alcohol we don't get worms!
Teacher - Who killed Ferdinand Magellan? The name starts with L and L.
Student - Lito Lapid?
Teacher - Wrong! Hint, matapang siya at walang kinatatakutan.
Student - Mam, si Loren Legarda?
Teacher - Wrong pa rin. Hint uli, inuulit kung bigkasin ang pangalan nya.
Student - Naku, si Lot-lot Mam?
History pa rin
Teacher - Renato, kilala mo ba si Jose Rizal?
Renato - Hindi po, Mam.
Teacher - Rowena, kilala mo ba si Jose Rizal?
Rowena - Hindi rin po, Mam.
Teacher - Wala ba sa inyo ang nakakikilala kay Jose Rizal?
Jasmine - Mam, baka sa kabilang section siya...
History at current events
Teacher - Alam nyo na ba kung sino ang pumatay kay Andres Bonifacio?
Student - Mam, nasa TV Patrol na po ba?
French lesson naman
ashes - a vou
ballon - lo vou
car - re vou
cough - u vou
drug - sha vou
goodbye - ba vou
hazy - mala vou
naked - hu vou
pipe - tu vou
cute - a cou (joke lang po ...hehehe)
Mahirap ang Math
Judy - Ang hirap ng math test natin kanina. Nahirapan ako sa mga tanong.
Jhigz - Madali lang ang mga tanong. Dun ako nahirapan sa mga sagot.
At sa science class naman
The teacher was showing the ill effects of alcohol. She dropped a worm
in a glass filled with alcohol and the worm died instantly.
Teacher - What did you learn from this demo?
Student - If we drink alcohol we don't get worms!
Weak in math
Weak in math
Badong - Mayaman na tayo, marami tayong nakulimbat sa bangko.
Bitoy - Magkano ang nahold-up natin?
Badong - Mahina ako sa math, alamin na lang natin sa TV Patrol bukas.
Priestly needs
Damian - Father, bat may nakasampay na mga damit pambabae sa likod ng
kumbento? May chicks kayo noh?
Priest - Hoy, tumigil ka Damian! Sa kuripot nyong mag-abuloy sa
simbahan tumatanggap na ako ng labada ngayon.
Getting even
Jim was on the balcony of his second storey condominium unit when he saw a
man waving at him to come down. Thinking it was an old acquaintance he
sprinted downstairs to meet the man who, it turned out, was a stranger who
was panhandling in the street.
Jim - What did you wave me down for?
Man - Can you spare me some change for a cup of coffee?
Jim - Come with me upstairs.
When the two reached the second storey of the condominium, Jim turned to
the guy and said, "Sorry, I neither have change, nor a cup of coffee."
First timer
Bagong salta sa Manila si Ambo atfirst time na nag-taxi. Pag-upo sa taxi ay
sampung piso agad ang unang patak ng metro. Napatayo siya upang kunin ang
pitaka sa likurang bulsa at tingnan kung may sapat siyang pera. Naging
dalawang piso naman ang sumunod na patak ng metro. Napansin ng driver na
nakatayo pa rin si Ambo.
Driver - Sir, upo muna kayo at malayo pang biyahe natin.
Ambo - E, sampung piso ang patak ng metro pagnakaupo at dalawang piso
lang pagnakatayo. Tatayo na lang ako para makatipid.
Badong - Mayaman na tayo, marami tayong nakulimbat sa bangko.
Bitoy - Magkano ang nahold-up natin?
Badong - Mahina ako sa math, alamin na lang natin sa TV Patrol bukas.
Priestly needs
Damian - Father, bat may nakasampay na mga damit pambabae sa likod ng
kumbento? May chicks kayo noh?
Priest - Hoy, tumigil ka Damian! Sa kuripot nyong mag-abuloy sa
simbahan tumatanggap na ako ng labada ngayon.
Getting even
Jim was on the balcony of his second storey condominium unit when he saw a
man waving at him to come down. Thinking it was an old acquaintance he
sprinted downstairs to meet the man who, it turned out, was a stranger who
was panhandling in the street.
Jim - What did you wave me down for?
Man - Can you spare me some change for a cup of coffee?
Jim - Come with me upstairs.
When the two reached the second storey of the condominium, Jim turned to
the guy and said, "Sorry, I neither have change, nor a cup of coffee."
First timer
Bagong salta sa Manila si Ambo atfirst time na nag-taxi. Pag-upo sa taxi ay
sampung piso agad ang unang patak ng metro. Napatayo siya upang kunin ang
pitaka sa likurang bulsa at tingnan kung may sapat siyang pera. Naging
dalawang piso naman ang sumunod na patak ng metro. Napansin ng driver na
nakatayo pa rin si Ambo.
Driver - Sir, upo muna kayo at malayo pang biyahe natin.
Ambo - E, sampung piso ang patak ng metro pagnakaupo at dalawang piso
lang pagnakatayo. Tatayo na lang ako para makatipid.
Ilang senador
Mayor - Ilang senador ang kailangan upang palitan ang sirang bombilya
sa Senado?
Erap - Tatlo. Isang senador para hawakan ang bombilya at dalawang
senador para paikutin ang hagdanan.
Erap - Akyatin mo nga kung hinog na yung atis?
Mayor - (Umakyat sa puno at pinisil ang bunga) Oo, hinog na!
Erap - Sige bumaba ka na at susungkitin ko!
Pauwi sa Pinas sakay ng 737 at katatapos lang manuod ng inflight movie:
Mayor - Pwede raw nating iuwi yung headphones na ginamit natin kanina,
sabi ng stewardess.
Erap - Aanhin natin yung headphones, wala naman tayong 737 sa bahay?
Mayor - O, binigyan daw ni GMA ng amnesia yung ilang miembro ng Magdalo.
Erap - Amnesty yun, hindi amnesia, tange!
Mayor - Amnesia nga, kase bigla nilang nakalimutan yung mga reklamo nila.
sa Senado?
Erap - Tatlo. Isang senador para hawakan ang bombilya at dalawang
senador para paikutin ang hagdanan.
Erap - Akyatin mo nga kung hinog na yung atis?
Mayor - (Umakyat sa puno at pinisil ang bunga) Oo, hinog na!
Erap - Sige bumaba ka na at susungkitin ko!
Pauwi sa Pinas sakay ng 737 at katatapos lang manuod ng inflight movie:
Mayor - Pwede raw nating iuwi yung headphones na ginamit natin kanina,
sabi ng stewardess.
Erap - Aanhin natin yung headphones, wala naman tayong 737 sa bahay?
Mayor - O, binigyan daw ni GMA ng amnesia yung ilang miembro ng Magdalo.
Erap - Amnesty yun, hindi amnesia, tange!
Mayor - Amnesia nga, kase bigla nilang nakalimutan yung mga reklamo nila.
Salty
Salty
Mayor - Bakit maalat ang tubig sa dagat?
Erap - Para hindi mapanis ang mga isda!
Trip to Japan
Erap - Hello, how long is the flight to Japan?
Operator - Just a minute sir...
Erap - Ganun ba? Mabilis naman pala!
Riches to rags
Erap - Alam mo nung may kaya pa kami, nagkakamay kami kung kumain
Mayor - Ganun?
Erap - Ngayong naghirap na, nakakutsara naman kami kung kumain.
Mayor - Ha, baliktad yata. Bat nagkaganun?
Erap - Kase, mahirap kamayin yung lugaw.
Contract worker
Erap - Dok, lagi akong nananginip na nasa Iraq daw ako sa gitna ng giyera.
Dok - Heto ang gamot, inumin mo bago ka matulog para matahimik ang isip mo.
Erap - Huwag muna Dok, malapit nang matapos ang kontrata ko dun.
Mayor - Bakit maalat ang tubig sa dagat?
Erap - Para hindi mapanis ang mga isda!
Trip to Japan
Erap - Hello, how long is the flight to Japan?
Operator - Just a minute sir...
Erap - Ganun ba? Mabilis naman pala!
Riches to rags
Erap - Alam mo nung may kaya pa kami, nagkakamay kami kung kumain
Mayor - Ganun?
Erap - Ngayong naghirap na, nakakutsara naman kami kung kumain.
Mayor - Ha, baliktad yata. Bat nagkaganun?
Erap - Kase, mahirap kamayin yung lugaw.
Contract worker
Erap - Dok, lagi akong nananginip na nasa Iraq daw ako sa gitna ng giyera.
Dok - Heto ang gamot, inumin mo bago ka matulog para matahimik ang isip mo.
Erap - Huwag muna Dok, malapit nang matapos ang kontrata ko dun.
Earthquake
Earthquake
Lumindol ng malakas sa Metro Manila. Nahintakutan si Mayor.
Mayor - (Sumisigaw) Katapusan na...! Katapusan na...!
Erap - Hoy, a kinse pa lang!
Hello???
Doc - O, bakit nasunog yang tenga mo?
Erap - Kase namamalantsa ako nang magring ang cell phone ko.
Aksidenteng yung plantsa ang napick-up ko.
Doc - Eh, bat nasunog pati kabilang tenga mo?
Erap - Bwisit yang si Mayor, tumawag ba naman uli!
One-foot long
Erap - Oy, bat nagkagulo sa bahay ni JV kanina?
Mayor - Kase nakahuli si JV ng one-foot long na alupihan.
Erap - Sira, meron bang alupihan na iisa ang paa?
Seksing Pinay
Mayor - Oy, pare, bat mukhang asar ka?
Erap - Kase napanaginipan ko kagabi na nasa Miss Philippines contest ako
at pinaligiran ng mga seksing Pinay.
Mayor - Anung nakakaasar dun? Swerte mo nga at mga seksi ang kasama mo.
Erap - E, kase ako ang nanalong Miss Philippines dun sa panaginip ko.
Hotdog
Mayor - Bat di mo pa kinakain yang hot dog mo?
Erap - Dogging pa sa init.
Mayor - Dogging?
Erap - Uma-aso pa!
Outnumbered
Nagpunta sa bar ang grupo para mag-inuman.
Erap - Lipat tayo sa ibang bar. Di tayo pwede rito!
Mayor - Bakit?
Erap - Nakasulat sa bar, "21 and up only." E, lilima lang tayo.
Tear
Mayor - Bat mo iniiyakan yang pakete ng corn chips?
Erap - Kase nakasulat dito "tear here."
Lumindol ng malakas sa Metro Manila. Nahintakutan si Mayor.
Mayor - (Sumisigaw) Katapusan na...! Katapusan na...!
Erap - Hoy, a kinse pa lang!
Hello???
Doc - O, bakit nasunog yang tenga mo?
Erap - Kase namamalantsa ako nang magring ang cell phone ko.
Aksidenteng yung plantsa ang napick-up ko.
Doc - Eh, bat nasunog pati kabilang tenga mo?
Erap - Bwisit yang si Mayor, tumawag ba naman uli!
One-foot long
Erap - Oy, bat nagkagulo sa bahay ni JV kanina?
Mayor - Kase nakahuli si JV ng one-foot long na alupihan.
Erap - Sira, meron bang alupihan na iisa ang paa?
Seksing Pinay
Mayor - Oy, pare, bat mukhang asar ka?
Erap - Kase napanaginipan ko kagabi na nasa Miss Philippines contest ako
at pinaligiran ng mga seksing Pinay.
Mayor - Anung nakakaasar dun? Swerte mo nga at mga seksi ang kasama mo.
Erap - E, kase ako ang nanalong Miss Philippines dun sa panaginip ko.
Hotdog
Mayor - Bat di mo pa kinakain yang hot dog mo?
Erap - Dogging pa sa init.
Mayor - Dogging?
Erap - Uma-aso pa!
Outnumbered
Nagpunta sa bar ang grupo para mag-inuman.
Erap - Lipat tayo sa ibang bar. Di tayo pwede rito!
Mayor - Bakit?
Erap - Nakasulat sa bar, "21 and up only." E, lilima lang tayo.
Tear
Mayor - Bat mo iniiyakan yang pakete ng corn chips?
Erap - Kase nakasulat dito "tear here."
Fair warning
Fair warning
Girlfriend - Binabalaan kita, malapit nang dumating ang Daddy ko!
Boyfriend - Ha, e wala naman akong ginawang masama ah?
Girlfriend - Oo nga, kaya kung may binabalak ka gawin mo na.
The wife
Romy - Oy, pwede raw magsama ng asawa sa company picnic natin.
Maxie - Paano yan wala ka pa namang asawa?
Romy - Walang problema, isasama ko asawa ng kumpare ko.
For better or for worse
Mister - Hon, may malaki akong problema...
Misis - Ngayong kasal na tayo, ang problema mo ay problema na natin.
Mister - Ganun?
Misis - Oo, dahil iisa na tayo ngayon. Ano bang problema natin?
Mister - Kase nabuntis natin si Inday at tayo ang ama!
In God we trust
Babae - Baka magbunga ang pagkakasala natin, Padre. Natatakot ako...
Padre - Ipaubaya natin ang lahat sa nasa itaas. Di nya tayo pababayaan.
Sakristan - Hoy, huwag nyo akong idamay dyan at naglilinis lang ako ng
kampana dito sa itaas!
Girlfriend - Binabalaan kita, malapit nang dumating ang Daddy ko!
Boyfriend - Ha, e wala naman akong ginawang masama ah?
Girlfriend - Oo nga, kaya kung may binabalak ka gawin mo na.
The wife
Romy - Oy, pwede raw magsama ng asawa sa company picnic natin.
Maxie - Paano yan wala ka pa namang asawa?
Romy - Walang problema, isasama ko asawa ng kumpare ko.
For better or for worse
Mister - Hon, may malaki akong problema...
Misis - Ngayong kasal na tayo, ang problema mo ay problema na natin.
Mister - Ganun?
Misis - Oo, dahil iisa na tayo ngayon. Ano bang problema natin?
Mister - Kase nabuntis natin si Inday at tayo ang ama!
In God we trust
Babae - Baka magbunga ang pagkakasala natin, Padre. Natatakot ako...
Padre - Ipaubaya natin ang lahat sa nasa itaas. Di nya tayo pababayaan.
Sakristan - Hoy, huwag nyo akong idamay dyan at naglilinis lang ako ng
kampana dito sa itaas!
Rain, rain go away
Rain, rain go away
Erap - Inday bat di mo pa dinidiligan yung mga halaman natin sa labas?
Inday - Sir, umuulan po.
Erap - Sus, magkapote ka. Ang tamad mo!
Ripe for picking
Erap - Tingnan mo nga kung hinog na yung chico?
Mayor - (Umakyat sa puno at pinisil ang bunga) Oo, hinog na!
Erap - Sige bumaba ka na at susungkitin ko!
Blood test
Mayor - Hatinggabi na nagbabasa ka pa ng libro.
Erap - Sabi kase ni Doc, may blood test ako bukas.
Carnap
Mayor - Yung Pajero natin kinakarnap. Dali, habulin mo yung karnapers!
(Makaraan ang ilang saglit ay bumalik sa Rap.)
Mayor - Ano, inabutan mo ba yung karnapers?
Erap - Hindi pero wag kang mag-alala, nakuha ko yung plate number ng
Pajero na sinasakyan nila!
Inflight entertainment
Pauwi sa Pinas sakay ng 737 at katatapos lang manuod ng inflight movie:
Mayor - Pwede raw nating iuwi yung headphones na ginamit natin kanina,
sabi ng stewardess.
Erap - Aanhin natin yung headphones, wala naman tayong 737?
Shake well before drinking
Mayor - Bakit kanina ka pa talon ng talon dyan?
Erap - Nakalimutan ko kaseng i-shake yung bote ng gamot na ininum ko.
Slow writer for slow reader
Mayor - Para kanino yang isinusulat mo?
Erap - Para sa pamangkin ko.
Mayor - E, bat ang bagal mong magsulat?
Erap - Kase mabagal pa siyang magbasa.
Erap - Inday bat di mo pa dinidiligan yung mga halaman natin sa labas?
Inday - Sir, umuulan po.
Erap - Sus, magkapote ka. Ang tamad mo!
Ripe for picking
Erap - Tingnan mo nga kung hinog na yung chico?
Mayor - (Umakyat sa puno at pinisil ang bunga) Oo, hinog na!
Erap - Sige bumaba ka na at susungkitin ko!
Blood test
Mayor - Hatinggabi na nagbabasa ka pa ng libro.
Erap - Sabi kase ni Doc, may blood test ako bukas.
Carnap
Mayor - Yung Pajero natin kinakarnap. Dali, habulin mo yung karnapers!
(Makaraan ang ilang saglit ay bumalik sa Rap.)
Mayor - Ano, inabutan mo ba yung karnapers?
Erap - Hindi pero wag kang mag-alala, nakuha ko yung plate number ng
Pajero na sinasakyan nila!
Inflight entertainment
Pauwi sa Pinas sakay ng 737 at katatapos lang manuod ng inflight movie:
Mayor - Pwede raw nating iuwi yung headphones na ginamit natin kanina,
sabi ng stewardess.
Erap - Aanhin natin yung headphones, wala naman tayong 737?
Shake well before drinking
Mayor - Bakit kanina ka pa talon ng talon dyan?
Erap - Nakalimutan ko kaseng i-shake yung bote ng gamot na ininum ko.
Slow writer for slow reader
Mayor - Para kanino yang isinusulat mo?
Erap - Para sa pamangkin ko.
Mayor - E, bat ang bagal mong magsulat?
Erap - Kase mabagal pa siyang magbasa.
Balitang Barbero, Kuwentong Kutsero
Headless body na-identify sa dental records. Nakilala na ang identity
ng isang headless body sa pamamagitan ng kanyang dental records ilang araw
matapos ding matagpuan ang kanyang ulo malapit sa pinagtapunan ng kanyang
katawan sa Fairview, Quezon City.
Bata, kinagat ng langgam, patay! Namatay na ang isang batang lalaki na
naaksidente matapos kagatin ng langgam. Ayon sa pulisya tumatawid sa kalye ang
bata nang kagatin ng langgam sa paa. Yumuko ang bata para tirisin ang langgam kaya
hindi niya napansin ang dumarating na taxi na nakabundol sa kanya.
Kahilingan ng garbage collectors ibinasura. Nagpaplanong mag-aklas ang
mga garbage collectors sa Metro Manila matapos ibasura ng kumpanyang
pinapasukan ang kanilang kahilingan na taasan ang kanilang buwanang sahod.
Rape victim humiling ng re-enactment. Humiling ang isang estudyanteng
rape victim ng re-enactment sa ginawang pagtakas sa lalaking nang-rape sa kanya.
Ginagawa ng babae ang kahilingan matapos ipagpilitan ng suspect na kusa raw niyang
pinalaya ang biktima. Subalit ayon sa biktima siya ay nakatakas nang makatulog ang
suspect matapos ang ginawang pangri-rape.
ng isang headless body sa pamamagitan ng kanyang dental records ilang araw
matapos ding matagpuan ang kanyang ulo malapit sa pinagtapunan ng kanyang
katawan sa Fairview, Quezon City.
Bata, kinagat ng langgam, patay! Namatay na ang isang batang lalaki na
naaksidente matapos kagatin ng langgam. Ayon sa pulisya tumatawid sa kalye ang
bata nang kagatin ng langgam sa paa. Yumuko ang bata para tirisin ang langgam kaya
hindi niya napansin ang dumarating na taxi na nakabundol sa kanya.
Kahilingan ng garbage collectors ibinasura. Nagpaplanong mag-aklas ang
mga garbage collectors sa Metro Manila matapos ibasura ng kumpanyang
pinapasukan ang kanilang kahilingan na taasan ang kanilang buwanang sahod.
Rape victim humiling ng re-enactment. Humiling ang isang estudyanteng
rape victim ng re-enactment sa ginawang pagtakas sa lalaking nang-rape sa kanya.
Ginagawa ng babae ang kahilingan matapos ipagpilitan ng suspect na kusa raw niyang
pinalaya ang biktima. Subalit ayon sa biktima siya ay nakatakas nang makatulog ang
suspect matapos ang ginawang pangri-rape.
Anniversary gift
Anniversary gift daw
Misis - Hon, anong gift mo sa akin sa silver annivesary natin?
Mister - Dadalhin kita sa Riyad.
Misis - Wow, how sweet naman. E, sa golden anniversary natin?
Mister - Susunduin na kita dun.
Pulutan
Mister - Hon, anung ulam natin?
Misis - Andyan sa mesa, pumili ka.
Mister - Hon, sardinas lang ang andito. Anu bang pagpipilian ko?
Misis - Pumili ka kung kakain, o magrereklamo ka! (ngeek!)
Keeping with the times
In one war-torn country the tradition was for women (with their heads
bowed) to walk behind their men. Things have changed in keeping with the
times. Now men (with their heads bowed) walk behind their women.
Progress? No, not progress. Landmines!
Maputla
Tindera - Suki, bili na kayo ng pakwan. Mapula at matamis.
(Nabitiwan ng tindera ang isang pakwan, bumagsak sa semento at nabiyak.)
Mister - Sabi mo mapula. Maputla naman pala ang pakwan na tinda mo.
Tindera - Aba, kayo man ang bumagsak sa semento, mamumutla rin kayo!
Darna
Pedro - Nang girlfriend ko pa lang ang misis ko ang tawag ko sa kanya ay
Darna dahil seksi sya. Ngayon ang tawag ko sa kanya ay Dorna.
Pablo - Bakit Dorna?
Pedro - Kasing lapad na sya ng DOOR NAmin.
Survey
Mister - (nagbabasa ng diaryo) Ayon dito sa survey, ang lalaking may
asawa ay mas mahaba ang buhay keysa lalaking walang asawa.
Misis - Kaya pasalamat ka at napangasawa mo ako.
Mister - Kaya dapat humanap ako ng isa pang asawa para mas humaba
pa ang buhay ko!
Nadukutan sa dyip.
Driver - Misis, pakiisud-isud lang para naman makaupo ang ibang pasahero.
Bakit naman nag-iisa lang kayo sa upuan e nakapamaywang pa kayo?
Misis - Anung nakapamay... Ha, naykupo, nadukot ang 2 pakwan na bitbit ko!
Misis - Hon, anong gift mo sa akin sa silver annivesary natin?
Mister - Dadalhin kita sa Riyad.
Misis - Wow, how sweet naman. E, sa golden anniversary natin?
Mister - Susunduin na kita dun.
Pulutan
Mister - Hon, anung ulam natin?
Misis - Andyan sa mesa, pumili ka.
Mister - Hon, sardinas lang ang andito. Anu bang pagpipilian ko?
Misis - Pumili ka kung kakain, o magrereklamo ka! (ngeek!)
Keeping with the times
In one war-torn country the tradition was for women (with their heads
bowed) to walk behind their men. Things have changed in keeping with the
times. Now men (with their heads bowed) walk behind their women.
Progress? No, not progress. Landmines!
Maputla
Tindera - Suki, bili na kayo ng pakwan. Mapula at matamis.
(Nabitiwan ng tindera ang isang pakwan, bumagsak sa semento at nabiyak.)
Mister - Sabi mo mapula. Maputla naman pala ang pakwan na tinda mo.
Tindera - Aba, kayo man ang bumagsak sa semento, mamumutla rin kayo!
Darna
Pedro - Nang girlfriend ko pa lang ang misis ko ang tawag ko sa kanya ay
Darna dahil seksi sya. Ngayon ang tawag ko sa kanya ay Dorna.
Pablo - Bakit Dorna?
Pedro - Kasing lapad na sya ng DOOR NAmin.
Survey
Mister - (nagbabasa ng diaryo) Ayon dito sa survey, ang lalaking may
asawa ay mas mahaba ang buhay keysa lalaking walang asawa.
Misis - Kaya pasalamat ka at napangasawa mo ako.
Mister - Kaya dapat humanap ako ng isa pang asawa para mas humaba
pa ang buhay ko!
Nadukutan sa dyip.
Driver - Misis, pakiisud-isud lang para naman makaupo ang ibang pasahero.
Bakit naman nag-iisa lang kayo sa upuan e nakapamaywang pa kayo?
Misis - Anung nakapamay... Ha, naykupo, nadukot ang 2 pakwan na bitbit ko!
Three sportsmen
Three sportsmen - a Chinese, a Japanese, and a Filipino - meet at the bar for
cocktails the night before the skills contest. As they were chatting, a mosquito
flew overhead making a buzzing sound. Irritated, the Chinese drew his sword,
swung at the mosquito, and the mosquito fell crawling on the floor. "I cut off his
wings so he can't fly and bother us again." the Chinese said.
As they continued with their cocktails another mosquito came flying overhead. Not
to be outdone the Japanese drew his samurai, swung it at the mosquito, and the
mosquito fell dead on the floor. "I cut off his head so he won't bother us again,"
the Japanese said.
As luck would have it, a third mosquito came buzzing around. Now the Filipino drew
his machete, swung it at the mosquito, and the mosquito quickly flew away. Sounding
unimpressed the Chinese and Japanese said in unison, "You let that mosquito go?"
To which the Filipino replied, "Oh, I just cut his off so he won't breed any more
new mosquitoes."
cocktails the night before the skills contest. As they were chatting, a mosquito
flew overhead making a buzzing sound. Irritated, the Chinese drew his sword,
swung at the mosquito, and the mosquito fell crawling on the floor. "I cut off his
wings so he can't fly and bother us again." the Chinese said.
As they continued with their cocktails another mosquito came flying overhead. Not
to be outdone the Japanese drew his samurai, swung it at the mosquito, and the
mosquito fell dead on the floor. "I cut off his head so he won't bother us again,"
the Japanese said.
As luck would have it, a third mosquito came buzzing around. Now the Filipino drew
his machete, swung it at the mosquito, and the mosquito quickly flew away. Sounding
unimpressed the Chinese and Japanese said in unison, "You let that mosquito go?"
To which the Filipino replied, "Oh, I just cut his off so he won't breed any more
new mosquitoes."
Low price tag
cars
ford lynx P100.00 only
factory defect = tambutso nasa loob
honda accord P50.00 only
factory defect = manibela dual shock controller ng play station
honda civic sir P50.00 only
factory defect = nasa ilalim ang pintuan
toyota corolla P50.00 only
factory defect = gulong, sing laki ng ferris wheel
cellphones
nokia 7110 P10.00 only latest model
factory defect = ringing tones kasing lakas ng busina ng barko
nokia 3210 P10.00 only
factory defect = bisaya lang ang language
nokia 6110 P10.00 only
factory defect = walang keypads
shoes
Bass leather P10.00 only
factory defect = balat ng lumpiang sariwa
Nike basketball shoes P10.00 only
factory defect = dual shock
Nike air jordan P10.00 only latest model
factory defect = may spikes
Nike basketball shoes P10.00 only
factory defect = may abs at airbag
ford lynx P100.00 only
factory defect = tambutso nasa loob
honda accord P50.00 only
factory defect = manibela dual shock controller ng play station
honda civic sir P50.00 only
factory defect = nasa ilalim ang pintuan
toyota corolla P50.00 only
factory defect = gulong, sing laki ng ferris wheel
cellphones
nokia 7110 P10.00 only latest model
factory defect = ringing tones kasing lakas ng busina ng barko
nokia 3210 P10.00 only
factory defect = bisaya lang ang language
nokia 6110 P10.00 only
factory defect = walang keypads
shoes
Bass leather P10.00 only
factory defect = balat ng lumpiang sariwa
Nike basketball shoes P10.00 only
factory defect = dual shock
Nike air jordan P10.00 only latest model
factory defect = may spikes
Nike basketball shoes P10.00 only
factory defect = may abs at airbag
Erap Jokes
Bilib daw
Erap - Pare, bilib ako sa bagong department store sa lugar namin.
Mayor - Bakit mo naman nasabi?
Erap - Pag di mo nagustuhan ang binili mo, ibabalik nila ang ibinayad mo.
Mayor - Wala yan pare. Yung bagong hospital sa lugar namin pag di mo
nagustuhan ang serbisyo ng doctor ibabalik nila ang sakit mo.
Pautang
Mayor - Pare, pautang naman ng isang libo, babayaran ko pagdating ng
misis ko galing America.
Erap - Sure! Teka kelan ba ang dating ng misis mo?
Mayor - Di ko pa alam. Nag-apply pa lang siya ng US immigrant visa kahapon.
Mas malaki
Erap - Bakit mas malaki ang ambulance keysa jeep?
Mayor - Kase ang jeep nakapagsasakay lang ng sampu-sampu, ang
ambulance pwedeng magsakay ng 50-50.
May girlfriend na
Erap - Pare, sa wakas nagka-girlfriend na rin ako!
Mayor - Ha, sa tanda mong yan, ngayon ka lang nagka girlfried?
Erap - Oo, sa higpit kase ng misis ko ngayon lang ako nakalusot.
Erap - Pare, bilib ako sa bagong department store sa lugar namin.
Mayor - Bakit mo naman nasabi?
Erap - Pag di mo nagustuhan ang binili mo, ibabalik nila ang ibinayad mo.
Mayor - Wala yan pare. Yung bagong hospital sa lugar namin pag di mo
nagustuhan ang serbisyo ng doctor ibabalik nila ang sakit mo.
Pautang
Mayor - Pare, pautang naman ng isang libo, babayaran ko pagdating ng
misis ko galing America.
Erap - Sure! Teka kelan ba ang dating ng misis mo?
Mayor - Di ko pa alam. Nag-apply pa lang siya ng US immigrant visa kahapon.
Mas malaki
Erap - Bakit mas malaki ang ambulance keysa jeep?
Mayor - Kase ang jeep nakapagsasakay lang ng sampu-sampu, ang
ambulance pwedeng magsakay ng 50-50.
May girlfriend na
Erap - Pare, sa wakas nagka-girlfriend na rin ako!
Mayor - Ha, sa tanda mong yan, ngayon ka lang nagka girlfried?
Erap - Oo, sa higpit kase ng misis ko ngayon lang ako nakalusot.
Estudyante Jokes
Ang taong walang bisyo
Pauper - Iho, palimos naman.
Student - Ibibili nyo lang po ng sigarilyo.
Pauper - Hindi ako naninigarilyo...
Student - Siguro ibibili nyo po ng alak.
Pauper - Hindi rin ako lasenggo...
Student - Naku, malamang ibibili nyo ng droga!
Pauper - Talagang wala akong bisyo...
Student - Ganun po ba? Sumama kayo sa bahay.
Pauper - Bakit?
Student - Ipapakita ko kay Inay kung anung mangyayari
sa taong walang bisyo!)
God answered his prayers
Nahuli ng titser na may kodigo sa exam ang pupil.
Teacher - Bakit may nakatagong papel sa kamay mo?
Pupil - Mam, prayers ko lang po yan.
Teacher - Bakit may mga sagot dito?
Pupil - Naku, sinagot na ang prayers ko!
Cheater
Erika - Nahuli ako ng titser na nangopya sa history test kanina.
Jovy - Pa'no nangyari yun?
Erika - Sa pagmamadali pati name ng classmate ko, nakopya ko.
Addict sa text
Teacher - Ang aralin natin ngayong umaga ay ang abakada.
Sino ang makakabasa sa isinulat ko sa pisara?
BKWLKMGWPRMSYTMWKHHHTWPHHHTMNPRKNT NGA.
IPSMSIBPRMKBWK.
Miscommunication
Mom - Anak, mag-ingat ka sa daan pagpasok sa eskwela.
Child - Opo, Nay!
Mom - Pag may nakita kang sasakyan sa daan, tumabi ka.
Child - Opo, Nay!
Mom - Di ka naman yata nakikinig. Ano nga ba ang bilin ko sa iyo?
Child - Pag may nakita po akong sasakyan sa daan, tatabihan ko po
yung sasakyan.
Graduate na
Matapos ang dalawang taon na pag-aaral sa Manila ay masayang
umuwi ang anak sa kanilang probinsiya.
Son - Itay, sa wakas natapos na rin ako sa pag-aaral.
Dad - Magaling anak! Ano bang tinapos mo?
Son - AB, Itay.
Dad - AB lang inabutan ka nang dalawang taon? Ako, isang taon lang,
tapos ko ang ABC hanggang XYZ!
Mana sa Ama
Father - Musta exams nyo sa eskwela, mga anak?
Brother - Mabuti po. Nakakuha kami ni Dina ng 100%.
Father - Magaling! Nagmana kayo sa talino ko.
Sister - 60% po yung sa akin at 40% yung kay Kuya. (Ngeek!)
Pauper - Iho, palimos naman.
Student - Ibibili nyo lang po ng sigarilyo.
Pauper - Hindi ako naninigarilyo...
Student - Siguro ibibili nyo po ng alak.
Pauper - Hindi rin ako lasenggo...
Student - Naku, malamang ibibili nyo ng droga!
Pauper - Talagang wala akong bisyo...
Student - Ganun po ba? Sumama kayo sa bahay.
Pauper - Bakit?
Student - Ipapakita ko kay Inay kung anung mangyayari
sa taong walang bisyo!)
God answered his prayers
Nahuli ng titser na may kodigo sa exam ang pupil.
Teacher - Bakit may nakatagong papel sa kamay mo?
Pupil - Mam, prayers ko lang po yan.
Teacher - Bakit may mga sagot dito?
Pupil - Naku, sinagot na ang prayers ko!
Cheater
Erika - Nahuli ako ng titser na nangopya sa history test kanina.
Jovy - Pa'no nangyari yun?
Erika - Sa pagmamadali pati name ng classmate ko, nakopya ko.
Addict sa text
Teacher - Ang aralin natin ngayong umaga ay ang abakada.
Sino ang makakabasa sa isinulat ko sa pisara?
BKWLKMGWPRMSYTMWKHHHTWPHHHTMNPRKNT NGA.
IPSMSIBPRMKBWK.
Miscommunication
Mom - Anak, mag-ingat ka sa daan pagpasok sa eskwela.
Child - Opo, Nay!
Mom - Pag may nakita kang sasakyan sa daan, tumabi ka.
Child - Opo, Nay!
Mom - Di ka naman yata nakikinig. Ano nga ba ang bilin ko sa iyo?
Child - Pag may nakita po akong sasakyan sa daan, tatabihan ko po
yung sasakyan.
Graduate na
Matapos ang dalawang taon na pag-aaral sa Manila ay masayang
umuwi ang anak sa kanilang probinsiya.
Son - Itay, sa wakas natapos na rin ako sa pag-aaral.
Dad - Magaling anak! Ano bang tinapos mo?
Son - AB, Itay.
Dad - AB lang inabutan ka nang dalawang taon? Ako, isang taon lang,
tapos ko ang ABC hanggang XYZ!
Mana sa Ama
Father - Musta exams nyo sa eskwela, mga anak?
Brother - Mabuti po. Nakakuha kami ni Dina ng 100%.
Father - Magaling! Nagmana kayo sa talino ko.
Sister - 60% po yung sa akin at 40% yung kay Kuya. (Ngeek!)
Laughter
Laughter is an audible expression or appearance of merriment or amusement or an inward feeling of joy and pleasure (laughing on the inside). It may ensue (as a physiological reaction) from jokes, tickling and other stimuli. Inhaling nitrous oxide can also induce laughter; other drugs, such as cannabis, can also induce episodes of strong laughter. Strong laughter can sometimes bring an onset of tears or even moderate muscular pain as a physical response to the act. Laughter can also be a response to physical touch, such as tickling.
Laughter is a part of human behaviour regulated by the brain. It helps humans clarify their intentions in social interaction and provides an emotional context to conversations. Laughter is used as a signal for being part of a group — it signals acceptance and positive interactions. Laughter is sometimes seemingly contagious, and the laughter of one person can itself provoke laughter from others. This may account in part for the popularity of laugh tracks in situation comedy television shows.
The study of humor and laughter, and its psychological and physiological effects on the human body is called gelotology.
Laughter is a part of human behaviour regulated by the brain. It helps humans clarify their intentions in social interaction and provides an emotional context to conversations. Laughter is used as a signal for being part of a group — it signals acceptance and positive interactions. Laughter is sometimes seemingly contagious, and the laughter of one person can itself provoke laughter from others. This may account in part for the popularity of laugh tracks in situation comedy television shows.
The study of humor and laughter, and its psychological and physiological effects on the human body is called gelotology.
Killing Joke
Killing Joke are an English post-punk rock band formed in 1979. Founding members Jeremy "Jaz" Coleman (vocal, keyboards and arrangements) and Geordie Walker (guitars) have been the only constant members.
Original drummer "Big Paul" Ferguson once described their music as "the sound of the earth vomiting". Killing Joke's music typically consists of metallic guitars and heavy, tribal, and danceable rhythms. Coleman's vocals are sometimes in a talk-sing style, sometimes a malevolent-sounding growl and sometimes emotional and melodic. Dark, ominous synthesizer loops and even sweeping, gothic keyboards appear to varying degrees, and indeed were a song-driving element on their mid 80s albums. Geordie never plays solos, but his unique style has earned him praise from the likes of Edward Van Halen and Jimmy Page.
Killing Joke influenced many later bands, such as Nirvana, Ministry, Nine Inch Nails, Napalm Death, Big Black, Prong, Metallica, Jane's Addiction, Soundgarden, Foo Fighters, Econoline Crush, Faith No More and Korn, all of whom have at some point cited some debt of gratitude to 'The Joke'.
Original drummer "Big Paul" Ferguson once described their music as "the sound of the earth vomiting". Killing Joke's music typically consists of metallic guitars and heavy, tribal, and danceable rhythms. Coleman's vocals are sometimes in a talk-sing style, sometimes a malevolent-sounding growl and sometimes emotional and melodic. Dark, ominous synthesizer loops and even sweeping, gothic keyboards appear to varying degrees, and indeed were a song-driving element on their mid 80s albums. Geordie never plays solos, but his unique style has earned him praise from the likes of Edward Van Halen and Jimmy Page.
Killing Joke influenced many later bands, such as Nirvana, Ministry, Nine Inch Nails, Napalm Death, Big Black, Prong, Metallica, Jane's Addiction, Soundgarden, Foo Fighters, Econoline Crush, Faith No More and Korn, all of whom have at some point cited some debt of gratitude to 'The Joke'.
Practical Joke
A practical joke or prank is a situation set up usually to produce what the perpetrator imagines to be a humorous outcome at the expense of the target. Practical jokes are distinct from slapstick comedy or knockabout, in which the goal is to make physical events appear miscalculated, inept, or stupid. The term practical refers to the fact that the joke consists of someone doing something (a 'practice'), rather than a verbal or written joke.
Since the set-up or deception is generally eventually revealed to the victim, the butt of the joke is thereby made to feel foolish or victimized. Therefore there is an inherent strain of cruelty in most practical jokes. There is no clean-cut boundary between practical jokes and hooliganism, vandalism, or sadism.
Well-known practical jokers include the illustrator Hugh Troy, TV presenter Jeremy Beadle, and the publicist Jim Moran.
The Trapezium of Xenophanes was cited by Aristotle as a notable compendium of practical jokes, but only a few fragments of this work have survived.
Since the set-up or deception is generally eventually revealed to the victim, the butt of the joke is thereby made to feel foolish or victimized. Therefore there is an inherent strain of cruelty in most practical jokes. There is no clean-cut boundary between practical jokes and hooliganism, vandalism, or sadism.
Well-known practical jokers include the illustrator Hugh Troy, TV presenter Jeremy Beadle, and the publicist Jim Moran.
The Trapezium of Xenophanes was cited by Aristotle as a notable compendium of practical jokes, but only a few fragments of this work have survived.
What is a Joke
A joke is a short story or ironic depiction of a situation communicated with the intent of being humorous. These jokes will normally have a punch line that will end the sentence to make it humorous. Joke can also be used as a slang term for a person or thing which is not taken seriously by others in general or is known as being a failure. A practical joke or prank differs from a spoken one in that the major component of the humour is physical rather than verbal (for example placing salt in the sugar bowl).
Jokes are typically for the entertainment of friends and onlookers. The desired response is generally laughter; when this does not happen the joke is said to have "fallen flat".
Immanuel Kant, in Critique of Judgement (1790) states that "Laughter is an effect that arises if a tense expectation is transformed into nothing." Here is Kant's two hundred and seventeen year old joke and his analysis:
"An Englishman at an Indian's table in Surat saw a bottle of ale being opened, and all the beer, turned to froth, rushed out. The Indian, by repeated exclamations, showed his great amazement. - Well, what's so amazing in that? asked the Englishman. - Oh, but I'm not amazed at its coming out, replied the Indian, but how you managed to get it all in. - This makes us laugh, and it gives us a hearty pleasure. This is not because, say, we think we are smarter than this ignorant man, nor are we laughing at anything else here that it is our liking and that we noticed through our understanding. It is rather that we had a tense expectation that suddenly vanished..."
Jokes are typically for the entertainment of friends and onlookers. The desired response is generally laughter; when this does not happen the joke is said to have "fallen flat".
Immanuel Kant, in Critique of Judgement (1790) states that "Laughter is an effect that arises if a tense expectation is transformed into nothing." Here is Kant's two hundred and seventeen year old joke and his analysis:
"An Englishman at an Indian's table in Surat saw a bottle of ale being opened, and all the beer, turned to froth, rushed out. The Indian, by repeated exclamations, showed his great amazement. - Well, what's so amazing in that? asked the Englishman. - Oh, but I'm not amazed at its coming out, replied the Indian, but how you managed to get it all in. - This makes us laugh, and it gives us a hearty pleasure. This is not because, say, we think we are smarter than this ignorant man, nor are we laughing at anything else here that it is our liking and that we noticed through our understanding. It is rather that we had a tense expectation that suddenly vanished..."
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